10 Thoughts on Boris Johnson’s Flat
It’s been another good week to pull out that tweet about ‘chaos’ with Ed Miliband. The Conservative party essentially attempted to dismantle the entire system to prevent impropriety, only to U-turn after inflicting maximum damage on itself. It’s ‘marching on Moscow’ levels of stupidity.
What’s very interesting is why. One theory is that Johnson has gone the full Berlusconi, ripping up entire sets of rules because one part of them endangered him personally. The whole fiasco, or flask as an Italian would say, was actually all about his famous flat refurbishment, and not at all about Owen Paterson, whose own problems were a smokescreen (which is ‘cortina fumogena’ in Italian, out of interest). Once more we, like the Parliamentary Commissioner, are back at this flat. Again. What is it about this flat that won’t go away?
1. I don’t care about his flat. I care about covid and that so many are dead. I care about the claim that Johnson, as late as 12th March, wanted to be injected live on TV with COVID while the Cabinet Secretary recommended Covid parties. It doesn’t matter if it’s true, only that it’s possible they said it. This is real grade A Neville Chamberlain stuff. Except Chamberlain was trying to save lives. Note, I’m only at point 1 and I’m already defending Neville Chamberlain.
2. I don’t care about Johnson’s flat redecoration but, if the above theory is true, Johnson very clearly does and will put a lot of effort into stopping investigations into it. That’s interesting. Asking questions about the décor, and the cash, seems to make him very, very angry. Time and again it keeps popping up in the centre of British politics like a U-boat with a dodgy engine[i]. Well, why? Is it about (i) who gave him the money (ii) where the money came from (iii) where it leads? Shouldn’t someone follow it? I’ll say that louder ‘SHOULDN’T SOMEONE FOLLOW IT?
3. There’s the meta-point that Johnson’s renovation shows he is very, very careless with where money comes from and whence it goes. That too is a thing of note, I’d say. Shouldn’t someone follow it?
4. I know nothing about flats, redecoration, or curtains. The only time curtains as an issue passes through my brain are the occasional ‘shall I open them’ and ‘shall I close them’? Roughly annually I used to ask ‘should curtains be washed’ before I found out, much to my relief, that curtains, like cats and underwear, are actually self-washing.
5. I also know very little about wallpaper. I know that (i) Thatcher listed ‘wallpaper’ as her hobby in Who’s Who (top Thatcher tip-patterned paper hides the joins) (ii) Bowie made some excellent wallpaper (iii) didn’t someone claim Napoleon’s wallpaper on St Helena had arsenic in it? Not sure about that last fact, I may have dreamt it.
6. I’m fascinated by how THAT picture of the flat, which isn’t Johnson’s, has been presumed by everyone to be his. If you haven’t seen it, it’s decked out in a style I can only call ‘Neo-Colonial Oppression’. The fact that large parts of the population presume that’s Johnson’s taste, and still vote for him, tell us very much about (i) Johnson (ii) the public who repeatedly vote for him. In fairness, I can well imagine Johnson manspreading himself across the chaise lounge, after a hard day ducking cobra meetings, while leafing through a copy of _[ii]
7. There’s also lots of Tory MPs telling us the flat issue isn’t important, which must mean it is. When large groups of Tory MPs say a thing, anything, the opposite must be true. If you don’t believe, check out Brexit, austerity, child poverty (continues the list off into infinity).
8. Angela Rayner has suggested that his own internal investigation was a bit odd, as it seems Johnson never asked where the money came from. I must admit, when I had my new shed done I just waved in the direction of the city centre and said, ‘find someone to pay for it for me’ and never asked who did it. That’s how it’s done.
9. Nevertheless, the prime minister was found to have acted ‘unwisely’. For some reason, every time I read this I can only hear it being said in the voice of the remaining knight in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (I suppose he is the actual last crusader, is he? Or is Indiana Jones actually the last?).
10. Of course, it might not matter. But remember these things take time to unravel. A bungled burglary took a long time to become Watergate, with a stonking landslide election victory for Nixon while Watergate was languishing on page 18. As for flatgate, we had an investigation, and even an admission about where the loan came from, and still it won’t go away. Why not? Why does the flat keep coming up? Where does the trail lead and what is it connected to?
[i] I’m presuming that’s why a U-boat would surface often in unexpected places.
[ii] I can’t do it. Too many books. Too many jokes. Fill in the blanks. Go on. Treat yourself.
